Today. Today was just...stupid.
It was just a day that ended with me hating myself a little bit.
Nothing was really out of the ordinary, I opened at work, got to leave early. I came home, relaxed for a couple hours, took my friend to work.
When I got home, I started the arduous task of catching up on my all my shows (Grimm, Once Upon A Time, and New Girl). Also, finding something to do tonight. That last part is where it all went wrong.
All the friends that CAN hang out tonight, are 21 and going to a bar tonight...super. Everyone else is either working, or like an hour away. It made me realize I need to make more friends.
And then I got to thinking about my life relationship-wise. Nothing has ever worked out. Tanner was the one person that I thought it might. But we all know how that worked out. It's been almost 2 weeks now, and I had a really hard time today. I just want someone to cuddle with, and tell me I'm beautiful, and deserve the world. I'm only 20, but it feels like I'm never gonna find that someone to make me smile. Pretty much everything in my life is perfect, but that. one. thing. I have an amazing and supportive family that loves me unconditionally, my Dad is the most important thing I have ever had. My friends are crazy, and I couldn't live without them, they make me who I am. I have an incredible job, making decent money and with a ton of room for moving up. But the one thing I really want, is someone to spend my life with. I want a family someday, more than anything in the world. I would sacrifice my dreams of making it big, to meet my fiance at the end of an aisle. To see his eyes light up when I turn the corner and he sees me in white for the first time. I dream of the day when I can look into my child's eyes for the very first time. To watch them grow and blossom, and turn into the amazing person I know they will be. My main goal in life, is to be a Mrs. and a mom, and to love unconditionally.
Maybe I'm just pushing too hard for it. I know in the end it will all work out, but I'm just so damn impatient. And then this guy, this INCREDIBLE guy falls into my lap. He's honestly the exact guy that I can picture in my life. He's handsome, and has his life together, and he is amazing with kids. I don't know what to do to start things. I don't know how to be a girl, and to get someone to fall in love with me. I'm just not good at relationships. I've just always been one of the guys. And I just don't know how to change myself. I'm not changing for anyone but myself. I want to change. I'm watching all my friends finding their guys and wondering what's so wrong with me. I'm not fat, but not thin. I'm sure as hell not ugly. I have a pretty good sense of humor, and I clean up good.
I'm just sick of waiting.
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