Hey.
My name is Liz.
This blog is all about me learning to live, and the stories that make me, well, me.
Let's start with the basics:
I'm 20, and live in Orange County, CA (OMG SO COOL. not)
I have the best and most supportive family in the world, but i'm sure everyone says that.
I'm a singer/actress/hairstylist to be/makeup artist to be
Most importantly, I love to live my life. I fill every second I can with people and things that I love.
So here's my most recent breakthrough.
For the past four years I have been in and out of the most confusing non-relationship, with a guy named Tanner. It's the most agonizing see-saw of whether or not we want to be together. We went through phases, we would start talking, just as friends, then about a month later it would escalate to flirtatious texting and awkward hangouts where we would sit 5 feet away and not really talk. Then one of us would say our feelings and the other wouldn't reciprocate those feelings, and vice versa. And finally after a few months of being in limbo we would eventually have a fight about something, and stop talking for a couple months, only to start the whole cycle over again. Then I graduated.
After graduation things completely changed. We stopped talking until my 19th birthday, which is when the most emotionally unstable and enlightening cycle of my life started. We had some of our highest highs, and some of the lowest lows I have ever felt (with many a tear filled drives to work, and wayy too many sleepless nights).
Now there's A LOT I've left out of this, and we'll get to it one day, but today we're gonna talk about what happened yesterday: Monday, March 19, 2012. I'll try to keep it short.
1:49pm:
I'm sitting at my house, super bored. It's my day off work and none of my plans are until later when Stephen (one of my best friends, you'll hear lot's more about him later) got off work at 8:30. I decide to text Tanner and ask if he wants to hang out. We talk about where we're going to meet, and ultimately decide that I should just go over to his Mom's house.
3:00pm:
We're sitting on the couch cuddling, watching sports highlights. We've been up to the usual kissing and cuddling, flirty talk, and catching up.
4:30-5:00ish pm:
Things start heating up a little bit. I'll leave out the details. We don't have sex (i'm a virgin until marriage), but other things happen. Afterwards, there is a past conversation brought up. The "just friends" conversation that broke my heart about 2 months ago. I immediately shut down and tell him that I don't wanna talk about it, and that I should probably go. At this point I feel gross. Just dirty, and down right disgusted at myself. I have never been this girl. This whole "friends with benefits" thing has never interested me in the slightest, and yet i'm right in the middle of it. He walks me out to my car, while I try to hold back the tears. Neither of us are saying a word. He puts his arm around me for a brief moment, before he sees my face and realizes i'm upset. Still nothing said. We finally reach my little convertible beetle, and he hugs me goodbye.
I'm still trying to hold back the tears as I get all set up. Got my iPhone plugged in for music, my seatbelt on, all comfy in my seat, and I look up to see him look right back at me. We make eye contact, and I know, from here on out, things won't be the same. I feel like I'm in a movie and that was the last look I got before that person unexpectedly disappears (whether it be death, or relocation, i dont really know). I manage to fight off the impending break down.
Around 6:00pm:
I'm sitting at home, my Mom is out running errands, and I'm sitting in complete silence. All I can think about is how much this situation sucks. So I make the decision. This ends now. He either wants me, and we're gonna be together, or he doesn't and we stop talking. I send him this text: "So I don't think I can do this anymore. I'm not mad at you or anything, just realizing things. I do like you, and I really care about you, but I have to protect myself. I will keep giving, hoping you'll change your mind, but I know you won't. You don't want a relationship, and I accept that. But meeting up with you like that just kinda sucks for me. Like you said, you need to find a nice girl, and that's not me. Maybe one day the timing will be right and we can make it work. But that's not now. I would say let's just be friends, but that won't work, so I'm gonna try my darnedest not to contact you, at least until graduation. Like I said, I'm not mad, and this is ending on good terms :)"
He never replied. Steve said it was because he was starting the no contact thing. It doesn't matter. I'm crushed. I know this is what's good for me, but why does it have to hurt so bad. He means so much, and I don't see what's so wrong that he can't just put the label on what we are. Nothing at all would change between us. Just the commitment.
So this was day one of no contact. I kept myself busy and distracted for the most part. It can only get better. Right?
I hope so.
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