Today. Today was just...stupid.
It was just a day that ended with me hating myself a little bit.
Nothing was really out of the ordinary, I opened at work, got to leave early. I came home, relaxed for a couple hours, took my friend to work.
When I got home, I started the arduous task of catching up on my all my shows (Grimm, Once Upon A Time, and New Girl). Also, finding something to do tonight. That last part is where it all went wrong.
All the friends that CAN hang out tonight, are 21 and going to a bar tonight...super. Everyone else is either working, or like an hour away. It made me realize I need to make more friends.
And then I got to thinking about my life relationship-wise. Nothing has ever worked out. Tanner was the one person that I thought it might. But we all know how that worked out. It's been almost 2 weeks now, and I had a really hard time today. I just want someone to cuddle with, and tell me I'm beautiful, and deserve the world. I'm only 20, but it feels like I'm never gonna find that someone to make me smile. Pretty much everything in my life is perfect, but that. one. thing. I have an amazing and supportive family that loves me unconditionally, my Dad is the most important thing I have ever had. My friends are crazy, and I couldn't live without them, they make me who I am. I have an incredible job, making decent money and with a ton of room for moving up. But the one thing I really want, is someone to spend my life with. I want a family someday, more than anything in the world. I would sacrifice my dreams of making it big, to meet my fiance at the end of an aisle. To see his eyes light up when I turn the corner and he sees me in white for the first time. I dream of the day when I can look into my child's eyes for the very first time. To watch them grow and blossom, and turn into the amazing person I know they will be. My main goal in life, is to be a Mrs. and a mom, and to love unconditionally.
Maybe I'm just pushing too hard for it. I know in the end it will all work out, but I'm just so damn impatient. And then this guy, this INCREDIBLE guy falls into my lap. He's honestly the exact guy that I can picture in my life. He's handsome, and has his life together, and he is amazing with kids. I don't know what to do to start things. I don't know how to be a girl, and to get someone to fall in love with me. I'm just not good at relationships. I've just always been one of the guys. And I just don't know how to change myself. I'm not changing for anyone but myself. I want to change. I'm watching all my friends finding their guys and wondering what's so wrong with me. I'm not fat, but not thin. I'm sure as hell not ugly. I have a pretty good sense of humor, and I clean up good.
I'm just sick of waiting.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Day 5: Some Nights.
This post is going to be all about my escapades yesterday (3/27). It was a pretty great day.
Boring part:
I opened work, had to be there at 7:30 -__- ew. But I had time to get starbucks before i got to work so that was good. I was there for a couple hours, and left at 12:30.
Fun Part:
I picked up these girls that I go to lunch with, pretty much weekly. They're like my little sisters, Danielle, Jordan, and Sara. We were driving to BJ's and Sara brought up going to the one in Laguna Beach. We all were down, so we headed through the canyon blasting TSwift and singing to random cars. I then remembered the kid from friday, Max, works in Laguna. I shot him a quick message saying basically, "hey i'm at bj's by your work, if you get a break come see me." He never replied or anything, so I just assumed he didn't get it and carried on as if I never even asked.
About 10 minutes after we got seated and situated, I see someone walking up to our table. To my surprise and delight, it was Max. He looked mighty handsome in a business suit, if I don't say so myself. I all the sudden turned into a spastic teenager, my heart started beating fast, I got all shakey. I stood up to hug him, and my hip hit the table, nothing spilled it just made a loud noise. He sat down next to me (squeezing me up against Sara, and Sara up against the wall...) and had lunch with us. It was so simple and easy, but we had such good conversation. We talked about our lives, our futures, and our exes. I learned so much about him, and in such a casual environment. We walked back to his work/my car together and my super embarrassing friends decided it would be a good idea to take some creeper pictures of us walking together. awkward.
So after that amazingggg lunch, nothing could get me down. I was in the clouds haha. So I chilled at home for a little while, and my neighborhood was absolutely buzzing with excitement. FIRST, there was a homeless guy passed out in my neighbors yard. A firetruck, 2 cop cars, and an ambulance were all out in front of my house. AND THEN not two hours after that hullabaloo, I was out talking to my neighbors with my mom and we heard about a car that was totaled and almost hit a house a couple streets over in my neighborhood. Apparently the kids RAN AWAY from the crash. idiots.
Later that night, after dinner, I went to hang out with Steve and Tyler. We smoked a bowl and went on a night hike on this path that Steve used to run on in high school. We ended up at a playground where we acted like 6 year olds, pretending the woodchips were lava, and riding on those little wobbly motorcycle things that you just rock back and forth on. We went on the swings and ran around, and I swear to you, no amount of money could ever bring me the happiness that just reliving my childhood did. One of the best overall days in a long time.
On the Tanner front, we still haven't talked. I still get the urge to when I'm realllllyyyy bored, but otherwise, he's completely out of mind :]
Boring part:
I opened work, had to be there at 7:30 -__- ew. But I had time to get starbucks before i got to work so that was good. I was there for a couple hours, and left at 12:30.
Fun Part:
I picked up these girls that I go to lunch with, pretty much weekly. They're like my little sisters, Danielle, Jordan, and Sara. We were driving to BJ's and Sara brought up going to the one in Laguna Beach. We all were down, so we headed through the canyon blasting TSwift and singing to random cars. I then remembered the kid from friday, Max, works in Laguna. I shot him a quick message saying basically, "hey i'm at bj's by your work, if you get a break come see me." He never replied or anything, so I just assumed he didn't get it and carried on as if I never even asked.
About 10 minutes after we got seated and situated, I see someone walking up to our table. To my surprise and delight, it was Max. He looked mighty handsome in a business suit, if I don't say so myself. I all the sudden turned into a spastic teenager, my heart started beating fast, I got all shakey. I stood up to hug him, and my hip hit the table, nothing spilled it just made a loud noise. He sat down next to me (squeezing me up against Sara, and Sara up against the wall...) and had lunch with us. It was so simple and easy, but we had such good conversation. We talked about our lives, our futures, and our exes. I learned so much about him, and in such a casual environment. We walked back to his work/my car together and my super embarrassing friends decided it would be a good idea to take some creeper pictures of us walking together. awkward.
So after that amazingggg lunch, nothing could get me down. I was in the clouds haha. So I chilled at home for a little while, and my neighborhood was absolutely buzzing with excitement. FIRST, there was a homeless guy passed out in my neighbors yard. A firetruck, 2 cop cars, and an ambulance were all out in front of my house. AND THEN not two hours after that hullabaloo, I was out talking to my neighbors with my mom and we heard about a car that was totaled and almost hit a house a couple streets over in my neighborhood. Apparently the kids RAN AWAY from the crash. idiots.
Later that night, after dinner, I went to hang out with Steve and Tyler. We smoked a bowl and went on a night hike on this path that Steve used to run on in high school. We ended up at a playground where we acted like 6 year olds, pretending the woodchips were lava, and riding on those little wobbly motorcycle things that you just rock back and forth on. We went on the swings and ran around, and I swear to you, no amount of money could ever bring me the happiness that just reliving my childhood did. One of the best overall days in a long time.
On the Tanner front, we still haven't talked. I still get the urge to when I'm realllllyyyy bored, but otherwise, he's completely out of mind :]
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Day 4: March 23/24 the weekend that will forever live in infamy.
So it's been a couple days, I'm trying to post as often as I can, but I was away from my computer this weekend. But while I was gone some pretty juicy things happened. Story time kids!
Friday March 23.
My friend (Stephen) had his 21st birthday surprise party, I of course had to go because he's one of my better friends. And it was his TWENTY FIRST, so of course there was going to be loads of alcohol. The night was a complete shit show. Just plain madness. I REGRET NOTHING.
The night began at around 7:30, I got out of work and headed over to the hotel we were having the party at. It was a suuuuuuper nice villa in Newport Beach with an awesome view. I changed my clothes in the parking garage and made the trek to the room in the 4.5 inch heels I had been wearing all day at work. They were taken off nearly immediately. I got all ready, did my makeup (i was too lazy that morning) and got ready to rage. When I walked in, there was a kid sitting on the couch, I really paid no attention to him because I'm not really good at meeting strangers without people there to introduce me. So I'm all ready, and the other girls I was with (Breann and Sarah) were still in the bathroom getting ready. I decided what the hell, and introduced myself to this guy. His name was Max, and he was incredibly attractive. Tall, muscular, blonde hair, blue eyes, basically everything that I am attracted to (I'll add a picture at the bottom). I was stoked, I looked pretty good, nice little blue dress, made me look innocent, but not TOO innocent haha.
The night moved along, I had already taken a couple shots of my drink of choice, jager. I started to flirt with this guy and offered him a shot. He agreed, and we headed into the kitchen. I started to open the same bottle, and he said that I should try something else. Fireball Whiskey. Now this was a stretch. I never really tried shooting whiskey, I didn't really like jack and coke so I probably wouldn't like this, but I did it anyway. This was honestly like nothing I had ever drank. It was cinnamon flavored, but not like subtly flavored, it was kick in the face, spicy cinnamon. It tasted like those little cinnamon candies red hots. It was delicious. I shot it without a chaser 3,4, maybe 5 more times, and in between those shots I was sipping on a cocktail of malibu and fruit punch. Needless to say, by around 11:30 I was pretty drunk.
Then it happened. My friend Nina and I challenged Max and another kid that we were talking to, Hayward, to a game of beer pong. Now let me just say, I am a sore loser, and I will do ANYTHING to win. Like I said, by this point I was not anywhere close to sober. I started using my assets as a distraction. I was pushing my boobs together, lifting up my dress a little, saying inappropriate things, but none of them were really working. Then it got serious. I started showing them my underwear. They were nothing special, just basic, black victoria's secret panties, But they had a little pink heart on the left side in the front. So I started showing them that heart. I know, I know, kinda skanky, but whatever. I was stepping up my game and it was working. But they were fighting back just as hard. At one point, Max lifted up his shirt, this kid had a body on him. I told him if he kept it up, I was going to lick his stomach, so he dared me to. I walked right over there and licked him. It was glorious really. Went back to my side, shot, and made it. we were one cup away from winning and both of these guys had their crotches right behind the cups. I made a stupid comment, "the only way that is going to distract me, is if you actually take them out." Hayward only unbuttoned his pants, but Max, he unbuttoned, unzipped, and pulled his boxers about half way down. I almost died. They ended up winning, to my dismay.
The night winded down and I was sobering up, charging water and gatorade. Nothing actually happened between us, but we are definitely going to remember each other.
The next morning I assessed the damage, one hole in my brand new dress, a small, headache, and a couple photos. Over all good night. I sent Max an apology message on facebook, and we decided that we should hang out again soon. Hopefully we do, so I can make a better, sober impression on him.
UPDATE:
Tanner and I still haven't talked. it's getting easier :]
Friday March 23.
My friend (Stephen) had his 21st birthday surprise party, I of course had to go because he's one of my better friends. And it was his TWENTY FIRST, so of course there was going to be loads of alcohol. The night was a complete shit show. Just plain madness. I REGRET NOTHING.
The night began at around 7:30, I got out of work and headed over to the hotel we were having the party at. It was a suuuuuuper nice villa in Newport Beach with an awesome view. I changed my clothes in the parking garage and made the trek to the room in the 4.5 inch heels I had been wearing all day at work. They were taken off nearly immediately. I got all ready, did my makeup (i was too lazy that morning) and got ready to rage. When I walked in, there was a kid sitting on the couch, I really paid no attention to him because I'm not really good at meeting strangers without people there to introduce me. So I'm all ready, and the other girls I was with (Breann and Sarah) were still in the bathroom getting ready. I decided what the hell, and introduced myself to this guy. His name was Max, and he was incredibly attractive. Tall, muscular, blonde hair, blue eyes, basically everything that I am attracted to (I'll add a picture at the bottom). I was stoked, I looked pretty good, nice little blue dress, made me look innocent, but not TOO innocent haha.
The night moved along, I had already taken a couple shots of my drink of choice, jager. I started to flirt with this guy and offered him a shot. He agreed, and we headed into the kitchen. I started to open the same bottle, and he said that I should try something else. Fireball Whiskey. Now this was a stretch. I never really tried shooting whiskey, I didn't really like jack and coke so I probably wouldn't like this, but I did it anyway. This was honestly like nothing I had ever drank. It was cinnamon flavored, but not like subtly flavored, it was kick in the face, spicy cinnamon. It tasted like those little cinnamon candies red hots. It was delicious. I shot it without a chaser 3,4, maybe 5 more times, and in between those shots I was sipping on a cocktail of malibu and fruit punch. Needless to say, by around 11:30 I was pretty drunk.
Then it happened. My friend Nina and I challenged Max and another kid that we were talking to, Hayward, to a game of beer pong. Now let me just say, I am a sore loser, and I will do ANYTHING to win. Like I said, by this point I was not anywhere close to sober. I started using my assets as a distraction. I was pushing my boobs together, lifting up my dress a little, saying inappropriate things, but none of them were really working. Then it got serious. I started showing them my underwear. They were nothing special, just basic, black victoria's secret panties, But they had a little pink heart on the left side in the front. So I started showing them that heart. I know, I know, kinda skanky, but whatever. I was stepping up my game and it was working. But they were fighting back just as hard. At one point, Max lifted up his shirt, this kid had a body on him. I told him if he kept it up, I was going to lick his stomach, so he dared me to. I walked right over there and licked him. It was glorious really. Went back to my side, shot, and made it. we were one cup away from winning and both of these guys had their crotches right behind the cups. I made a stupid comment, "the only way that is going to distract me, is if you actually take them out." Hayward only unbuttoned his pants, but Max, he unbuttoned, unzipped, and pulled his boxers about half way down. I almost died. They ended up winning, to my dismay.
The night winded down and I was sobering up, charging water and gatorade. Nothing actually happened between us, but we are definitely going to remember each other.
The next morning I assessed the damage, one hole in my brand new dress, a small, headache, and a couple photos. Over all good night. I sent Max an apology message on facebook, and we decided that we should hang out again soon. Hopefully we do, so I can make a better, sober impression on him.
UPDATE:
Tanner and I still haven't talked. it's getting easier :]
Max and I.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Day 3: I hate the media.
So last night I was talking to one of the girls that I see as a younger sister. Her name is McKenna and she is honestly one of the most gorgeous girls on the planet. Like no joke. She's blonde and has the cutest little body, and her face is sculpted by angels haha. She brought up how self-conscious she was, and how she needed to lose weight. I wanted to cry. This girl, who is smart, and funny, and gorgeous, has been programmed to hate herself because her ribs aren't showing through her skin.
It honestly makes me livid how many girls are so beautiful, and absolutely despise the way they look. Who made the rules on what is beautiful? I would really like to know so I can hurt them. Every single person on this earth has SOMETHING about them that makes them gorgeous. Whether it be their looks, or what they've fought through. I just lost my Grandma (I called her Nanny) a couple weeks ago, and she was the most gorgeous woman I ever have and ever will know. Not because she was physically gorgeous, but because she fought so hard for her life. She had cancer 6 times, and she always managed to keep a smile on and stay strong for us. I will miss her more than anything.
But back to my main point, everybody has flaws. Absolutely no one is perfect. If you think you are, you're wrong, and frankly just annoying...go away. So here's what I'm going to do: I wrote down all of my flaws, but along with that I wrote down all of the things that make me beautiful. I encourage all of you to not only embrace what makes you beautiful, but embrace your flaws as well, because that is exactly what makes you, you.
Here is what I think,
I'm not perfect. In any way, shape, or form. I make mistakes. I say the wrong things at the wrong times. I don't think things through. I'm impulsive and rude and far too sarcastic. I make jokes of things that aren't funny at all. I'm afraid to get too close to people. I'm afraid of commitment. I''m terrified of being alone. I'm a walking contradiction. I pretend i'm okay, when in reality, I wish I could just break down and cry. I act so strong and tough in front of people, but i'm one of the most loving and accepting people you will ever meet. I'm emotional, and irrational. I'm afraid of falling, yet I tumble head over heels every time. Despite all of these flaws, I am still beautiful. I manage to make the most of every situation I'm in. I'm overly optimistic, and live my life loving every minute. I take nothing for granted because you never know when it's their (or your) last day. I have curves, and I wouldn't be me without every single one of them. I sing my heart out and dance until I can't anymore. I love everyone and hate no one. I only see the good in people, and do what I can to help everyone. I AM ME. I am absolutely amazing the way God made me. Yes, I have a never ending amount of flaws, but I wouldn't have it any other way. So here is your challenge, acceot me for EVERYTHING that I am, or leave. I will not change for anyone but myself. And one day, I will find my matching puzzle piece.
And again, I IMPLORE you, stop acting like because you don't fit the media's standards, you don't fit anyone's. Raise your standards, because you deserve more. And be confident because YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!
It honestly makes me livid how many girls are so beautiful, and absolutely despise the way they look. Who made the rules on what is beautiful? I would really like to know so I can hurt them. Every single person on this earth has SOMETHING about them that makes them gorgeous. Whether it be their looks, or what they've fought through. I just lost my Grandma (I called her Nanny) a couple weeks ago, and she was the most gorgeous woman I ever have and ever will know. Not because she was physically gorgeous, but because she fought so hard for her life. She had cancer 6 times, and she always managed to keep a smile on and stay strong for us. I will miss her more than anything.
But back to my main point, everybody has flaws. Absolutely no one is perfect. If you think you are, you're wrong, and frankly just annoying...go away. So here's what I'm going to do: I wrote down all of my flaws, but along with that I wrote down all of the things that make me beautiful. I encourage all of you to not only embrace what makes you beautiful, but embrace your flaws as well, because that is exactly what makes you, you.
Here is what I think,
I'm not perfect. In any way, shape, or form. I make mistakes. I say the wrong things at the wrong times. I don't think things through. I'm impulsive and rude and far too sarcastic. I make jokes of things that aren't funny at all. I'm afraid to get too close to people. I'm afraid of commitment. I''m terrified of being alone. I'm a walking contradiction. I pretend i'm okay, when in reality, I wish I could just break down and cry. I act so strong and tough in front of people, but i'm one of the most loving and accepting people you will ever meet. I'm emotional, and irrational. I'm afraid of falling, yet I tumble head over heels every time. Despite all of these flaws, I am still beautiful. I manage to make the most of every situation I'm in. I'm overly optimistic, and live my life loving every minute. I take nothing for granted because you never know when it's their (or your) last day. I have curves, and I wouldn't be me without every single one of them. I sing my heart out and dance until I can't anymore. I love everyone and hate no one. I only see the good in people, and do what I can to help everyone. I AM ME. I am absolutely amazing the way God made me. Yes, I have a never ending amount of flaws, but I wouldn't have it any other way. So here is your challenge, acceot me for EVERYTHING that I am, or leave. I will not change for anyone but myself. And one day, I will find my matching puzzle piece.
And again, I IMPLORE you, stop acting like because you don't fit the media's standards, you don't fit anyone's. Raise your standards, because you deserve more. And be confident because YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Day 2: Here comes the sun.
Beautiful day here in the OC, not really much to complain about there.
Today, so far, has been pretty normal. I had a meeting at corporate for the company I work for from 9-3, which was awesome because I love the people I work with, and my bosses :]. We got to talking about our goals and dreams and stuff, and I expressed my wanting to be a singer but stay in the company while I get there. I mentioned moving out of California, and the girls all wanted to hear about everything I'm planning. I figured it was a pretty awesome thing so I decided I would write about it!
So I've known this girl Jenna since I was like 12. She has grown to be one of my best friends, and I absolutely CANNOT live without her in my life. She graduated high school a year after me, and got accepted to Belmont University in Nashville, Tennessee.
I was extremely happy for her when I heard the news! My baby girl is going to COLLEGE! AHH! But the selfish Liz was pissed that she was gonna be all the way across the country. On top of that, her Mom (who I also love), moved to Colorado. So basically what happened is, she left me completely. This was gonna suck.
We manage to keep in touch via Facebook, and of course texting. But that was never enough for either of us. So she came up with the brilliant idea (as a joke at the time) that I should move out there with her. We would live in a cute little 2 bedroom with 2 cats, Belle and Ariel (who has since been changed out for Meow), and be the cutest little indie roommates ever. I guess this little joke planted a seed in both of our brains, because we started to get more serious about it. I started looking at apartments in my free time, and she told me all the cutest places to eat and shop, along with the good areas to live. Eventually, a couple months later, it was set. Summer of 2013, I would no longer reside in Southern California, but Nashville! Such an exciting thing getting out of the OC bubble.
Soon enough we were looking at plates, and random baubles that we would have all around our cute apartment. But the hard part was yet to come, telling my parents. Neither of them were, or are, happy about it. But my Dad put it best, "I don't WANT you to move across the country, but you're an adult, and if that's what you want, your Mom and I will support you because we're your parents and we love you." Thanks Daddy <3.
In the back of my mind I always sort of had that doubt, maybe this isn't actually going to happen. I mean I want it to SO BAD, but a couple of the things I have wanted SO BAD recently have fallen through. I figured, maybe I should just stop trying so hard for it. It's more than a year away! But then fate stepped in.
I'm going to school for cosmetology starting this summer, of course Jenna knows that, I tell her everything.
March 2, 2012:
I'm at Disneyland, waiting in line for Big Thunder Mountain Railroad. I get a text from miss Jenna.
"GUESS WHAT?!"
"What?"
"My mom's old roommate's sister owns a really nice salon in Nashville. Holla"
I felt like I was gonna pass out. This was OBVIOUSLY meant to be. I mean nothing would work out more perfect! I'll finish out the program around winter, be an assistant in a salon out here for a little while, and then when I move pick up where I left off! Someone has to be involved in this upstairs, it's just too good to be true!
So that's where I'm at as of now. Excitedly awaiting my first trip out there to check out the apartment, and longing for time to move faster!
In other notes:
The no contact thing with Tanner was okay, I kept zoning out and wanting to text him in the meeting. I kept myself in line though. *sigh* If only he was in the picture for good, things would be PERFECT.
Today, so far, has been pretty normal. I had a meeting at corporate for the company I work for from 9-3, which was awesome because I love the people I work with, and my bosses :]. We got to talking about our goals and dreams and stuff, and I expressed my wanting to be a singer but stay in the company while I get there. I mentioned moving out of California, and the girls all wanted to hear about everything I'm planning. I figured it was a pretty awesome thing so I decided I would write about it!
So I've known this girl Jenna since I was like 12. She has grown to be one of my best friends, and I absolutely CANNOT live without her in my life. She graduated high school a year after me, and got accepted to Belmont University in Nashville, Tennessee.
I was extremely happy for her when I heard the news! My baby girl is going to COLLEGE! AHH! But the selfish Liz was pissed that she was gonna be all the way across the country. On top of that, her Mom (who I also love), moved to Colorado. So basically what happened is, she left me completely. This was gonna suck.
We manage to keep in touch via Facebook, and of course texting. But that was never enough for either of us. So she came up with the brilliant idea (as a joke at the time) that I should move out there with her. We would live in a cute little 2 bedroom with 2 cats, Belle and Ariel (who has since been changed out for Meow), and be the cutest little indie roommates ever. I guess this little joke planted a seed in both of our brains, because we started to get more serious about it. I started looking at apartments in my free time, and she told me all the cutest places to eat and shop, along with the good areas to live. Eventually, a couple months later, it was set. Summer of 2013, I would no longer reside in Southern California, but Nashville! Such an exciting thing getting out of the OC bubble.
Soon enough we were looking at plates, and random baubles that we would have all around our cute apartment. But the hard part was yet to come, telling my parents. Neither of them were, or are, happy about it. But my Dad put it best, "I don't WANT you to move across the country, but you're an adult, and if that's what you want, your Mom and I will support you because we're your parents and we love you." Thanks Daddy <3.
In the back of my mind I always sort of had that doubt, maybe this isn't actually going to happen. I mean I want it to SO BAD, but a couple of the things I have wanted SO BAD recently have fallen through. I figured, maybe I should just stop trying so hard for it. It's more than a year away! But then fate stepped in.
I'm going to school for cosmetology starting this summer, of course Jenna knows that, I tell her everything.
March 2, 2012:
I'm at Disneyland, waiting in line for Big Thunder Mountain Railroad. I get a text from miss Jenna.
"GUESS WHAT?!"
"What?"
"My mom's old roommate's sister owns a really nice salon in Nashville. Holla"
I felt like I was gonna pass out. This was OBVIOUSLY meant to be. I mean nothing would work out more perfect! I'll finish out the program around winter, be an assistant in a salon out here for a little while, and then when I move pick up where I left off! Someone has to be involved in this upstairs, it's just too good to be true!
So that's where I'm at as of now. Excitedly awaiting my first trip out there to check out the apartment, and longing for time to move faster!
In other notes:
The no contact thing with Tanner was okay, I kept zoning out and wanting to text him in the meeting. I kept myself in line though. *sigh* If only he was in the picture for good, things would be PERFECT.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Day 1: The reason for the break.
Hey.
My name is Liz.
This blog is all about me learning to live, and the stories that make me, well, me.
Let's start with the basics:
I'm 20, and live in Orange County, CA (OMG SO COOL. not)
I have the best and most supportive family in the world, but i'm sure everyone says that.
I'm a singer/actress/hairstylist to be/makeup artist to be
Most importantly, I love to live my life. I fill every second I can with people and things that I love.
So here's my most recent breakthrough.
For the past four years I have been in and out of the most confusing non-relationship, with a guy named Tanner. It's the most agonizing see-saw of whether or not we want to be together. We went through phases, we would start talking, just as friends, then about a month later it would escalate to flirtatious texting and awkward hangouts where we would sit 5 feet away and not really talk. Then one of us would say our feelings and the other wouldn't reciprocate those feelings, and vice versa. And finally after a few months of being in limbo we would eventually have a fight about something, and stop talking for a couple months, only to start the whole cycle over again. Then I graduated.
After graduation things completely changed. We stopped talking until my 19th birthday, which is when the most emotionally unstable and enlightening cycle of my life started. We had some of our highest highs, and some of the lowest lows I have ever felt (with many a tear filled drives to work, and wayy too many sleepless nights).
Now there's A LOT I've left out of this, and we'll get to it one day, but today we're gonna talk about what happened yesterday: Monday, March 19, 2012. I'll try to keep it short.
1:49pm:
I'm sitting at my house, super bored. It's my day off work and none of my plans are until later when Stephen (one of my best friends, you'll hear lot's more about him later) got off work at 8:30. I decide to text Tanner and ask if he wants to hang out. We talk about where we're going to meet, and ultimately decide that I should just go over to his Mom's house.
3:00pm:
We're sitting on the couch cuddling, watching sports highlights. We've been up to the usual kissing and cuddling, flirty talk, and catching up.
4:30-5:00ish pm:
Things start heating up a little bit. I'll leave out the details. We don't have sex (i'm a virgin until marriage), but other things happen. Afterwards, there is a past conversation brought up. The "just friends" conversation that broke my heart about 2 months ago. I immediately shut down and tell him that I don't wanna talk about it, and that I should probably go. At this point I feel gross. Just dirty, and down right disgusted at myself. I have never been this girl. This whole "friends with benefits" thing has never interested me in the slightest, and yet i'm right in the middle of it. He walks me out to my car, while I try to hold back the tears. Neither of us are saying a word. He puts his arm around me for a brief moment, before he sees my face and realizes i'm upset. Still nothing said. We finally reach my little convertible beetle, and he hugs me goodbye.
I'm still trying to hold back the tears as I get all set up. Got my iPhone plugged in for music, my seatbelt on, all comfy in my seat, and I look up to see him look right back at me. We make eye contact, and I know, from here on out, things won't be the same. I feel like I'm in a movie and that was the last look I got before that person unexpectedly disappears (whether it be death, or relocation, i dont really know). I manage to fight off the impending break down.
Around 6:00pm:
I'm sitting at home, my Mom is out running errands, and I'm sitting in complete silence. All I can think about is how much this situation sucks. So I make the decision. This ends now. He either wants me, and we're gonna be together, or he doesn't and we stop talking. I send him this text: "So I don't think I can do this anymore. I'm not mad at you or anything, just realizing things. I do like you, and I really care about you, but I have to protect myself. I will keep giving, hoping you'll change your mind, but I know you won't. You don't want a relationship, and I accept that. But meeting up with you like that just kinda sucks for me. Like you said, you need to find a nice girl, and that's not me. Maybe one day the timing will be right and we can make it work. But that's not now. I would say let's just be friends, but that won't work, so I'm gonna try my darnedest not to contact you, at least until graduation. Like I said, I'm not mad, and this is ending on good terms :)"
He never replied. Steve said it was because he was starting the no contact thing. It doesn't matter. I'm crushed. I know this is what's good for me, but why does it have to hurt so bad. He means so much, and I don't see what's so wrong that he can't just put the label on what we are. Nothing at all would change between us. Just the commitment.
So this was day one of no contact. I kept myself busy and distracted for the most part. It can only get better. Right?
I hope so.
My name is Liz.
This blog is all about me learning to live, and the stories that make me, well, me.
Let's start with the basics:
I'm 20, and live in Orange County, CA (OMG SO COOL. not)
I have the best and most supportive family in the world, but i'm sure everyone says that.
I'm a singer/actress/hairstylist to be/makeup artist to be
Most importantly, I love to live my life. I fill every second I can with people and things that I love.
So here's my most recent breakthrough.
For the past four years I have been in and out of the most confusing non-relationship, with a guy named Tanner. It's the most agonizing see-saw of whether or not we want to be together. We went through phases, we would start talking, just as friends, then about a month later it would escalate to flirtatious texting and awkward hangouts where we would sit 5 feet away and not really talk. Then one of us would say our feelings and the other wouldn't reciprocate those feelings, and vice versa. And finally after a few months of being in limbo we would eventually have a fight about something, and stop talking for a couple months, only to start the whole cycle over again. Then I graduated.
After graduation things completely changed. We stopped talking until my 19th birthday, which is when the most emotionally unstable and enlightening cycle of my life started. We had some of our highest highs, and some of the lowest lows I have ever felt (with many a tear filled drives to work, and wayy too many sleepless nights).
Now there's A LOT I've left out of this, and we'll get to it one day, but today we're gonna talk about what happened yesterday: Monday, March 19, 2012. I'll try to keep it short.
1:49pm:
I'm sitting at my house, super bored. It's my day off work and none of my plans are until later when Stephen (one of my best friends, you'll hear lot's more about him later) got off work at 8:30. I decide to text Tanner and ask if he wants to hang out. We talk about where we're going to meet, and ultimately decide that I should just go over to his Mom's house.
3:00pm:
We're sitting on the couch cuddling, watching sports highlights. We've been up to the usual kissing and cuddling, flirty talk, and catching up.
4:30-5:00ish pm:
Things start heating up a little bit. I'll leave out the details. We don't have sex (i'm a virgin until marriage), but other things happen. Afterwards, there is a past conversation brought up. The "just friends" conversation that broke my heart about 2 months ago. I immediately shut down and tell him that I don't wanna talk about it, and that I should probably go. At this point I feel gross. Just dirty, and down right disgusted at myself. I have never been this girl. This whole "friends with benefits" thing has never interested me in the slightest, and yet i'm right in the middle of it. He walks me out to my car, while I try to hold back the tears. Neither of us are saying a word. He puts his arm around me for a brief moment, before he sees my face and realizes i'm upset. Still nothing said. We finally reach my little convertible beetle, and he hugs me goodbye.
I'm still trying to hold back the tears as I get all set up. Got my iPhone plugged in for music, my seatbelt on, all comfy in my seat, and I look up to see him look right back at me. We make eye contact, and I know, from here on out, things won't be the same. I feel like I'm in a movie and that was the last look I got before that person unexpectedly disappears (whether it be death, or relocation, i dont really know). I manage to fight off the impending break down.
Around 6:00pm:
I'm sitting at home, my Mom is out running errands, and I'm sitting in complete silence. All I can think about is how much this situation sucks. So I make the decision. This ends now. He either wants me, and we're gonna be together, or he doesn't and we stop talking. I send him this text: "So I don't think I can do this anymore. I'm not mad at you or anything, just realizing things. I do like you, and I really care about you, but I have to protect myself. I will keep giving, hoping you'll change your mind, but I know you won't. You don't want a relationship, and I accept that. But meeting up with you like that just kinda sucks for me. Like you said, you need to find a nice girl, and that's not me. Maybe one day the timing will be right and we can make it work. But that's not now. I would say let's just be friends, but that won't work, so I'm gonna try my darnedest not to contact you, at least until graduation. Like I said, I'm not mad, and this is ending on good terms :)"
He never replied. Steve said it was because he was starting the no contact thing. It doesn't matter. I'm crushed. I know this is what's good for me, but why does it have to hurt so bad. He means so much, and I don't see what's so wrong that he can't just put the label on what we are. Nothing at all would change between us. Just the commitment.
So this was day one of no contact. I kept myself busy and distracted for the most part. It can only get better. Right?
I hope so.
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